We are both atheists.
Dan is an overworked, undersexed sex-advice columnist. He is writing a book about adopting a baby, but we promise we're not doing this just for the fourteen-figure advance. Dan is fifty-nine years old, has heart trouble, smokes three packs a day, and will be the sole means of support for our little family.
Terry is seventeen years old and emulates Martha Stewart in every possible way, including Martha's emotional distance and passive-aggressiveness. After the baby comes, he plans on working a few hours a week in a bookstore that sells a great deal of homosexual pornography.
We live in a cramped apartment filled with dangerous and sharp-edged tchotchkes perched high atop unstable shelving units purchased at an Ikea seconds sale. We have a funky Brady basement, and a killer sound system that will blow our baby's head off if we're not careful! In our kitchen, Terry bakes pies and cookies in effort to make Dan so fat that no other gay man will want him.
Our home is near a large park frequented by homosexuals in search of anonymous sexual encounters. There our child will enjoy many hours of unsupervised play. Most of our friends are in the music industry and addicted to hard drugs. They are all very excited about baby-sitting! As most of them use only heroin and not dangerous hallucinogenics, the odds that one of them will pop the baby into the microwave are pretty low.
Dan will be too busy to say hello to the baby until he is old enough to fetch his morning New York Times. Terry will be the primary caregiver, and not letting the baby die will be Terry's top priority! Allowing the baby to die would reflect badly on gay men everywhere, including those gay men in the park having anonymous sex, and would harm the sales of Dan's book. Especially if the baby died during the book tour.
We are looking forward to becoming parents, though we don't like the idea of changing diapers. We welcome frequent visits, so maybe you could come over and change the baby's diapers. We hope to provide a home full of love where a child can grow and thrive in an atmosphere of wonder, stability, and respect, but we know this probably won't happen.
Dan & Terry
Haha, so that's from "The Kid" which is a story about a gay guy who adopted a baby with his boyfriend. I think it's possibly the most humerious letter ever, they were trying to write a letter to the birthparents convincing them to give the baby to the couple... but they couldn't think of anything, so they wrote an anti-convincing letter. Pretty good.
First snow flurries today! Woot.
Haha, so that's from "The Kid" which is a story about a gay guy who adopted a baby with his boyfriend. I think it's possibly the most humerious letter ever, they were trying to write a letter to the birthparents convincing them to give the baby to the couple... but they couldn't think of anything, so they wrote an anti-convincing letter. Pretty good.
First snow flurries today! Woot.
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